I have demons in me.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
