so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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