come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
