he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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