I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Randomize
