Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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