I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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