He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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