I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I CAN MOONWALK!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
