I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
