And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
