why do cheetos always look like penises
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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