hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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