Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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