Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
