FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
