Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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