my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
