I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
last night I used snow as a chaser
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
