Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
