i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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