i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize