Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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