You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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