I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
