My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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