just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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