The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He kissed a someone with a penis
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
