im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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