Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
