Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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