Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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