in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
