I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I checked into jail on foursquare
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
