I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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