she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
