I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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