im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
