she woke up with a sticky ear
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
