I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
