His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
