Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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