I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
