rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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