listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You ruined the universe
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize