its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
