so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
