What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
