She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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