Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
