someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Semen is not good for contacts.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
