WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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