I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
