just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
