When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
