You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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